Ensconsing Myself in Adulthood

It's been a tough first week with my Dear One away. I've been physically and emotionally tired, worried, and scared. For the most part, I still am. But, I'm moving forward. Looking to the future. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Last night I had a...yeah okay...a breakdown. I freaked out and felt so alone. I paced and cried, wrung my hands, sobbed, and generally flailed with the overflow of emotion. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes and a sore throat...and decided I would go shopping for a car.

My 1995 Plymouth Neon was my first car. A cute little blue thing that ever-so-slowly went downhill. She was reliable as far as getting from A to B went, but the air conditioning went out within a few months of getting her, and in the last couple of years the the speedometer got wonky, the radio shorted out whenever it rained, and over the years the paint job peeled away on the sides and roof and rusted; she wasn't so cute anymore. And then she dropped off the edge when I lent her to a relative. The brakes screwed up and the engine lost oil and was ruined. I junked my poor little car last week. It was a sad day.

So.

I got myself ready and took my parents' car to a bigger town with lots of dealerships and stopped at each one I came across. Funny thing...I'd get out and browse vehicles, showing clear interest in finding a car, but no one would come out and ask if they could help me. I can't help but wonder if being a petite woman had anything to do with that. I'm sure that if my father were with me, they would have been on us like flies...

There was nothing catching my interest in my modest price range, and I was getting frustrated. Then, I stopped at one last place, and right away the salesman came out to help me. He showed me a nice-looking '04 Chevy Malibu. I drove it around the block, and it felt great. After a little bit of talking, we made a deal...and I bought a car, by myself, for the first time ever.

Holy crap, I have car payments now.

How will I save money to get out of this horrible place?

How would I get out without a vehicle, anyway?

Being a grown-up can be scary. But I took a big step, and I think it was a good decision. I'm proud of myself for going out and making this happen on my own. Now I just have to prove to myself that I can do this. All of this.

Because I'm in it now.

The Force of Change

June 20th, 20ll. We got up at 4am. Almost immediately tears began to roll down my cheeks. It's strange how something can feel so real and so unbelievable at once. It probably sounds stupid to some people, when there are wives waiting for their husbands to come home safe from war, but this is my life. Our life. And it's been violently disrupted.

My best friend, my platonic-straight-pseudo-husband, my Dear One drove off with his (mine, our) little dog a little after 5 in the morning to return to his home state over 1700 miles away. We're calling it temporary. I'm praying it's temporary.

I can't wrap my head around it yet. I can still feel his hands in mine, my lips on his cheek. I can't imagine him still being gone a week from now, or even a day from now. I can't believe I have to be here alone, and I'm scared...and I'm determined to change this as soon as possible.

In this blog I'm hoping to chronicle a self-transfiguration. My 'adventures' in online schooling, money-saving, labor-intensive work, domestic responsibilities and likely several breakdowns that will hopefully lead to CHANGE. I'm going to get out of this state. I am going to be with my Dear One again, with a skill set, some new confidence, and a shiny new life path.

I have to fight for it.